A Letter To Coach Whiz – Arizona Cardinals

Dear Coach Whiz,

Greetings from River Oaks, a small suburb just outside Houston. You’d love it here, I know I sure do. Now that the bubble has burst for you and the Cardinals, maybe you could join Coach Rhodes here as a senior, former head coach, assistant? I know Coach Kubiak is sure grateful to you, he would certainly give you a fair shot as an assistant, I mean he’d give you at least the preseason and 31 actual plays to prove yourself, don’t you think?

How’s Larry doing? Rumor mill says he decided to go for a graduate degree at UoP because he has a lot more time on his hands, given the Cardinals have perfected the “three and out.” I heard Early is late again, another injury? Damn, I am sorry.

Hang on, hang on, that’s Tom Condon on the phone, my agent. Wants to know if I want light or no starch.

Yea, OK, so back to it. How you doing? Anything I can do to help? I pretty much have a year off now just looking at investments and trying to lineup some work for next year. I am thinking it‚Äôs going to be Seattle. Hasslebrick can‚Äôt hit a wall with a water balloon, Pete‚Äôs going to need some help and he loves the west coast offense schemes. I like Seattle too. I am going to read their playbook as soon as I am done catching up on my Spider man, X-Men, Hulk, Iron Man comics I missed because YOU WERE MAKING ME WATCH THOSE FRICKIN‚Äô MOVIES FOR GOD‚ÄôS SAKE. LOT OF GOOD THAT DID ME….

Hang on, hang on, it’s Tom again, wants to know if the Escalade is ready for the polish wax or just the spray wax. Jeez, you would think he could remember what he did last week, but I guess that’s an agent’s gift, short memories.

So, don’t stress dude. It’s all going to be OK. This isn’t rocket science, it’s football. You can’t trade the talent pool and because you think you are the world’s best lifeguard, can you?

Hang on, hang on. It’s your daughter Mary Ashley! She wants to know what I am doing week seven, the bye week. Can you tell her I have lotion on my hands and I can’t text right now, but I am going to see Coach Green in Sacramento and his USFL “Mountain Lions.” USFL! Hey there’s another option for you!

Peace bro,


(a big shout out to my buddy Arnie for sharing this with me, it almost makes me wanna cry.)